And so I Moved On...

The lost post, rambling with pain (you could see it on the page) was good to find. I read it as though it had happened to someone else.

At the time, not ever having my heart truly broken before, I hurt so much I wanted to die, cut off my head, stop the mental images that obsessed my brain. I sobbed and screamed and ranted in my car, not wanting the neighbors or my daughters to hear. One time my cat overheard me, and I frightened her enough to come upstairs to my bedroom to find me. My youngest knew I was grieving, much as I tried to keep it from her. Unfortunately, my lover and she had formed a bond, and she felt the loss, too. He walked from her as easily as you would walk from a pet fish.

But now, I see how everything fell into place. He was so self-centered there was no way we would ever be compatible anywhere but in bed. And, I confess, I was addicted to him. As long as he was in my life, I could push away the guilt and doubt and focus on the present, each minute of every day. I felt most alive when in bed with him, and this happened less and less frequently. He was pushing me away, especially needing to keep his lies without my asking probing questions about him. For a mistress, I sure wasn't acting my part. Even the friendship I thought we had was toxic.

I began a downward spiral healthwise, that ended one morning a year later when I could not move, frozen, stinking, in my bed. I had to decide to call 911, my friends Max and Rose, or die. The last option I considered only briefly, because as long as I have daughters to live for, I will not leave voluntarily. My hip became so sore from long hours combing the internet with my legs criss-crossed, and I quit soccer and sought physical therapy. She treated me for what we both believed was a hip flexor pull, until six months later, she told me she would not see me until after I saw a doctor. So I went to my GP, who diagnosed severe arthritis in my right hip joint.

Today, two years later, I am Bionic. (See earlier thread) I have a bionic brain and a brand new sport-model titanium hip. But for all intents and purposes, I look and walk normally unless my balance is off; my hair is growing back in, and I am working full time. I am considered an overwhelming success story...proof that both DBS and hip replacement surgeries are good things. It's a major relief not to be in pain anymore!