I believe that there was a book going around a few years ago; it hit Oprah's radar and went viral. It was called "The Secret" and it was about attracting good in your life by putting out "good" expectations and positive energy.
I'm not sure I believed it at the time, but I think that now there is some truth to certain elements of the theory I believe to some extent that you get back what you put out. If you choose to surround yourself with hateful, immoral people, you will likely attract more like this. I never really believed in evil until this past year; now I know first hand that it exists. And that we attract hatred if we hate, we attract users if we think we deserve little else, we bring people to us who aren't good for us if we ignore our self-protective intuition.
I also realized that shame is an emotion that I must own. There was nothing to be ashamed of in my actions. I am open hearted and I give my all to my relationships. I didn't lie or cheat or deliberately set out to hurt or injure anyone. I never have. I'm likely to become angry if Im deceived or feel used. But then I have done my share of crossing boundaries and violating personal space by doing some things I'm not proud of. Some choices were made passively; others involved active participation on my part. Some how things drop into my lap.
Ive learned how to be careful with looking for the truth because often, the truth hurts. And I have learned that truth comes in layers; that if you don't want to know, don't ask. Especially if you ask a liar. You can't expect the truth when you ask for it. There is no reason to expect truth from someone who either doesn't know the truth (as in living a life of delusions and lack of integrity) or knows the truth but is a coward. It surprises me, though it shouldn't, that relationships require much courage.
I am now single, waiting for my disability trust account to give me some economic stability and security so that I don't need to rely on anyone to live. I don't like hurting people but I find I will defend myself and will do anything required to stand up to bullying and mean people. I deserve to be treated as I treat others. Its one of my rules, the Golden Rule. It transcends all religious beliefs and politics. I try to treat other people the way I want to be treated.
Thursday, January 9, 2014
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
HAPPY NEW YEAR...breathe.
May 2014 bring us all of what we need, and 75% of what we want..
Ive been blogging elsewhere, trying to keep calm in a stormy sea with my rickety boat. Ive decided to blog here in order to avoid that particular dating site. I will never date another person I meet online again.
Highlights of 2013:
February:, went to PAN in DC, on a grant.
April: began lifting weights, per my trainer J Ps' directions. I notice the way boys stop to stare at him, how women look at me sideways, undoubtedly wondering about us. He takes me to my own healthclub and shows me a routine; I notice how often he watches other men watching himself and his narcissism is apparent. He struts like a self important peacock., puffed and almost ridiculous. People comment about him, and I hear them.
May : Attended my oldest daughter's graduation in Tucson, Az
July: Completed my second STP as part of a team made up of people with PD. It was fun and empowering.
August: spent a lot of time in Portland with my trainer. I try to dislike him, but it feels curiously like relief when we reconcile. I ignore the card from her that he left on his kitchen counter.
My youngest child spent a month at "math/engineering camp at the univ of wa.
My oldest returns from Arizona, moves into her dad's house.
(this summer's weather was the most perfect I've ever remember since moving here)
October: I went to World Parkinson's Congress in Montreal, on scholarship. This was an amazing week.
November: my renter moves in. She's quirky, loves my dog, loves to cook.
December: my brother comes for two days, helps me set up a "disability trust" and we meet with an accountant to help me with my very complicated financial picture.
*********************************************************
Lowlights: In January, I took a train to Portland and met a small man with a big presence, He is addicted to weed and steroids and he swings in moods, which become worse the longer I know him, He does a great job training me to get me in better shape and getting me ready to do the STP.
February: I go to DC for PAN, and come home to discover that Jay has been trading fantasies and camming with a married woman in Utah. I had been so careful to pick a decent, good man this time, so it blindsided me. He downplays the incident, indeed says he has no interest in meeting her.
March: continued fantasies openly and flirtatiously posted on the dating site. I have an endoscopy and colonoscopy after "unexplained abdomen pain" and the 3 day prep puts me into a panic attack,
March: My best woman friend tells me she has been diagnosed with Acute Lymphocytic Leukemia.
April: I hack Jay's email once, then once more after his friend taunts me on my profile with "if you only knew how he really feels about you." I find long emails full of fantasies, delusions, that normalizes their creepy and enabling thoughts. I confront him with these emails, and he growls that they are "All lies" Meanwhile, he tells me he is still wanting me in his life. Confused, I block him and stop communicating with him. He keeps letting me know he wants me. We tour potential apartments in both Seattle and Portland. I date other men. Life seems to stabilize as I keep working out.
July: At the finish line of the STP, Jay meets me and we celebrate. I should have gone home that evening with the team.
August: I decide to believe Jay and spend time with him on a weekly basis. I discover the inexpensive "Bolt Bus" He continues to evade questions about the woman in Utah.
I help Jay set up a personal trainer business.
September: we keep seeing each other, but at times he loses his temper. He maintains hes done with the woman in Utah, but I check his phone's ring when he accidently leaves it in the shower, I quickly view texts discussing cheap motel rooms from a texter named "T......" I confront him, he yells, shakes his finger in my face, dresses and leaves. He texts me later and tells me he still loves me. I waffle, I ask him not to see any women while I am in Montreal, which he promises. While there I absolutely want nothing to do with him.
I spend time in Montreal with friends who have a rock solid marriage. I realize im done with J, so this time as he plans to drive up, I notice he seems a bit distant. I tell him not to come visit
October: After a year of looking unsuccessfully for work, my friend Ry leaves for a job in Bethesda.
The woman from Utah sends me taunts that he and she have met and he has fallen in ove with her. I find myself in a surprising amount of pain and invite a]young man (20 years younger) I had been dating for a few months over to "comfort me," ie, no sex. After he finds me hysterical, he calms me down, I fall asleep, he attempts to have sex with me. I have to yell 'no' forcefully, and he leaves, angrily. This felt like a rape attempt. I never see him again.
I talk with a friend on FB the next day as the taunts continue. Within 3 minutes, she locates and contacts T's sister in law, sending her an abridged copy of the taunts sent to me. The husband's sister contacts him with the evidence, and he confronts his wife, T, when she walks through the door after spending two days having sex with J. ( On FB, she meanwhile announces her mother died that Friday, then her mother's husband, and sarcastically blames family members). She defiantly puts up a new profile on the dating site. I realize I am out of my league. She is working the crowds of men she has circling her in part to feed their jealousy. This looks like pure evil to me, and I want none of it.
I end it with J. I block him once more, then call him to ask if it was worth it. He hangs up on me., but later tells me he loves and misses me; wants me to move to Portland. Confused, I realize he continued to discredit me, so meanwhile, so I set up a couple profile for us on the adult dating site. T, the narcissistic ninny, accepted my request for friendship without even looking at it. I had posted two couple pictures of us this summer, in an attempt to demonstrate that we were, in fact together. A week later she finally notices our couple profile, and issues a complaint. I try to log in and cannot; an AFF employee tells me the account was deleted, because they had received a complaint that we were" no longer a couple". I try to contact j, left several msgs but he then routed my phone number through the local police department, where a policeman tells me to "stop harassing J" ( I am angry and humiliated). The little coward couldn't face me to admit he didn't love me and had been lying to me all along.
Tonight, I am alone. I have not dated since I saw J last September. I m not sure I will, ever again. Since Ry left, I have no easy way to get out and about, especially to my health club to workout. It has been two months since I went, and my depression and apathy have gotten so bad, im seeing my counselor and will see a new psychiatrist in a month. My sleep is no longer peaceful, and my dyskenesias are worse. I look forward to a much improved 2014!
.jpg)
I am finally accepting my disease and am realizing that it is here, part of me, and is not going away. I'm still in dire financial straits, as mom has not signed the trust that my sister and brother set up.
Ive been blogging elsewhere, trying to keep calm in a stormy sea with my rickety boat. Ive decided to blog here in order to avoid that particular dating site. I will never date another person I meet online again.
Highlights of 2013:
February:, went to PAN in DC, on a grant.
April: began lifting weights, per my trainer J Ps' directions. I notice the way boys stop to stare at him, how women look at me sideways, undoubtedly wondering about us. He takes me to my own healthclub and shows me a routine; I notice how often he watches other men watching himself and his narcissism is apparent. He struts like a self important peacock., puffed and almost ridiculous. People comment about him, and I hear them.
May : Attended my oldest daughter's graduation in Tucson, Az
July: Completed my second STP as part of a team made up of people with PD. It was fun and empowering.
August: spent a lot of time in Portland with my trainer. I try to dislike him, but it feels curiously like relief when we reconcile. I ignore the card from her that he left on his kitchen counter.
My youngest child spent a month at "math/engineering camp at the univ of wa.
My oldest returns from Arizona, moves into her dad's house.
(this summer's weather was the most perfect I've ever remember since moving here)
October: I went to World Parkinson's Congress in Montreal, on scholarship. This was an amazing week.
November: my renter moves in. She's quirky, loves my dog, loves to cook.
December: my brother comes for two days, helps me set up a "disability trust" and we meet with an accountant to help me with my very complicated financial picture.
*********************************************************
Lowlights: In January, I took a train to Portland and met a small man with a big presence, He is addicted to weed and steroids and he swings in moods, which become worse the longer I know him, He does a great job training me to get me in better shape and getting me ready to do the STP.
February: I go to DC for PAN, and come home to discover that Jay has been trading fantasies and camming with a married woman in Utah. I had been so careful to pick a decent, good man this time, so it blindsided me. He downplays the incident, indeed says he has no interest in meeting her.
March: continued fantasies openly and flirtatiously posted on the dating site. I have an endoscopy and colonoscopy after "unexplained abdomen pain" and the 3 day prep puts me into a panic attack,
March: My best woman friend tells me she has been diagnosed with Acute Lymphocytic Leukemia.
April: I hack Jay's email once, then once more after his friend taunts me on my profile with "if you only knew how he really feels about you." I find long emails full of fantasies, delusions, that normalizes their creepy and enabling thoughts. I confront him with these emails, and he growls that they are "All lies" Meanwhile, he tells me he is still wanting me in his life. Confused, I block him and stop communicating with him. He keeps letting me know he wants me. We tour potential apartments in both Seattle and Portland. I date other men. Life seems to stabilize as I keep working out.
July: At the finish line of the STP, Jay meets me and we celebrate. I should have gone home that evening with the team.
August: I decide to believe Jay and spend time with him on a weekly basis. I discover the inexpensive "Bolt Bus" He continues to evade questions about the woman in Utah.
I help Jay set up a personal trainer business.
September: we keep seeing each other, but at times he loses his temper. He maintains hes done with the woman in Utah, but I check his phone's ring when he accidently leaves it in the shower, I quickly view texts discussing cheap motel rooms from a texter named "T......" I confront him, he yells, shakes his finger in my face, dresses and leaves. He texts me later and tells me he still loves me. I waffle, I ask him not to see any women while I am in Montreal, which he promises. While there I absolutely want nothing to do with him.
I spend time in Montreal with friends who have a rock solid marriage. I realize im done with J, so this time as he plans to drive up, I notice he seems a bit distant. I tell him not to come visit
October: After a year of looking unsuccessfully for work, my friend Ry leaves for a job in Bethesda.
The woman from Utah sends me taunts that he and she have met and he has fallen in ove with her. I find myself in a surprising amount of pain and invite a]young man (20 years younger) I had been dating for a few months over to "comfort me," ie, no sex. After he finds me hysterical, he calms me down, I fall asleep, he attempts to have sex with me. I have to yell 'no' forcefully, and he leaves, angrily. This felt like a rape attempt. I never see him again.
I talk with a friend on FB the next day as the taunts continue. Within 3 minutes, she locates and contacts T's sister in law, sending her an abridged copy of the taunts sent to me. The husband's sister contacts him with the evidence, and he confronts his wife, T, when she walks through the door after spending two days having sex with J. ( On FB, she meanwhile announces her mother died that Friday, then her mother's husband, and sarcastically blames family members). She defiantly puts up a new profile on the dating site. I realize I am out of my league. She is working the crowds of men she has circling her in part to feed their jealousy. This looks like pure evil to me, and I want none of it.
I end it with J. I block him once more, then call him to ask if it was worth it. He hangs up on me., but later tells me he loves and misses me; wants me to move to Portland. Confused, I realize he continued to discredit me, so meanwhile, so I set up a couple profile for us on the adult dating site. T, the narcissistic ninny, accepted my request for friendship without even looking at it. I had posted two couple pictures of us this summer, in an attempt to demonstrate that we were, in fact together. A week later she finally notices our couple profile, and issues a complaint. I try to log in and cannot; an AFF employee tells me the account was deleted, because they had received a complaint that we were" no longer a couple". I try to contact j, left several msgs but he then routed my phone number through the local police department, where a policeman tells me to "stop harassing J" ( I am angry and humiliated). The little coward couldn't face me to admit he didn't love me and had been lying to me all along.
Tonight, I am alone. I have not dated since I saw J last September. I m not sure I will, ever again. Since Ry left, I have no easy way to get out and about, especially to my health club to workout. It has been two months since I went, and my depression and apathy have gotten so bad, im seeing my counselor and will see a new psychiatrist in a month. My sleep is no longer peaceful, and my dyskenesias are worse. I look forward to a much improved 2014!
.jpg)
I am finally accepting my disease and am realizing that it is here, part of me, and is not going away. I'm still in dire financial straits, as mom has not signed the trust that my sister and brother set up.
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
For those who wondered...
to pick me up at the halfway point (Centralia, WA). We drove to ten miles outside the Portland City limits and then he joined me on the ride across the finish line. I had to finish, somehow, yet my body was all over the place. I was one of two top fundraisers, and someone had promised a picture at the finish line, so I completed it.
You could say this is evidence that I am successfully fighting off Parkinson's Disease. I've had this sonofab*tch disease for over ten years now. Some days are tolerable. Some days I feel like gravity has been turned up and it takes all of my stamina to make it upstairs to find my meds at med time. And some days it doesnt feel good to move my body. I noticed this last week, during a modern jazz/ballet dance class. It's difficult to explain, just that the slowness and the stiffness combine so that I'm just uncomfortable, moving.
After a lifetime being a jock, this is disheartening. When I finished that long bike ride, I threw the big heavy clunker in my garage and havent taken it out since. I hate the bike. Its an upright "cross over" and made for short city commutes, not long rides where weight matters. The gears have been adjusted, but still chatter and after the ride was over, it was as though the 76 dollar tuneup was worthless.
But the fundraising I accomplished for our local NWPF will help continue the programs developed to allow PWPD a more "normal" quality of life. When I was first diagnosed, money and focus was on a cure for PD, which was of course what we all wanted. But now~with a person being diagnosed with PD every 90 seconds, world wide, it has become obvious that the cure is not coming anytime soon. We are still trying to understand the human brain at the molecular level, which is like a baseball player being sent back to the development league to work on his "basic skills." I was duly awarded a plaque with my bib number on it from the NWPD and it is hanging on my bedroom wall. I look at it every morning.
I see it as not an accomplishment, but an acknowledgement of the fact that I still have a progressive neurological disease. People who love me think it has cured me, but it hasn't. I attended my brother's second wedding in KC, MO, several weeks ago, with my daughters. I charged the trip on my CC and my mom helped by paying the hotel bill. Otherwise, I'm too poor to travel. This hurts a lot. More than hurts, but it is what it is...
I met a nice man who moved up here to pursue a relationship with me. He found a room share which will work for a few months, and is already looking for a position. He happened to interview with the NWPF as their executive director, but still has not heard back. I have been struggling with getting used to his ideosynchrocies and I find myself secretly afraid that I will no longer be able to fall in love because my dopamine is so low. I find myself repelled by him at this point, but it could well be because I'm reacting to his living here for a week. He has been abused in his past life and this may come up again. I pray its not me who does the hurting. My girls have both met him but won't give me their opinions; my therapist likes him and I'm just trying to accept him, warts and all. We have both discussed our mutual goal of creating a solid friendship, yet it has been much work. I find him difficult to assess, and he tends to withdraw quickly if there is any tension at all. He doesnt want me to feel tense or irritable or grumpy and yet this is how I feel at times. We are still working it out.
I am not in love, and this is troubling. But maybe, as I said before, it's a matter of not having enough dopamine to experience feelings of joy, reveling in the intimacy, attaching and bonding. I promised him I would wait until mid January and will do all I can to improve and build on what we have started. I realized sometime this past year that it has been a long long time since I have been monogamous. I know he is puzzled by my lack of affect, but it will be a rather long time before I will learn to trust him completely. He, in turn, doesnt like to feel as though he has to compete or have anything to do with the Ghost of Steve. I cannot blame him. Although I finally have admitted to myself that I did love Steve, bonded together through nights of my pain and his energy. He was an excellent care giver. He came along at the hardest time of my life, and we never had much fun. And I broke his heart when I came home from Peoria, telling him I had met someone who felt so much like me that we were two sides of the same coin. I still have that coin, hanging in my closet. I have had to forgive myself for mistreating/disrespecting Steve, but also allowing him to live a dishonest life with me. And for the dishonest life I myself led. I was taking it one day at a time, going though surgeries and recoveries and personality changes, and ...and...trying to get back to my work,still in denial about my PD.
In any case, I'm still alive, partially kicking, and settling in for a long winter. I have decided to begin my book again.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Self-imposed limitations
So I am a tad scared about this 205 mile bike ride this weekend. I have only served as support team for other people riding it, including my ex husband Michael and my ex fiance Steve. There is a fair amount of gadgetry to a bike, and my fine motor skills are not what they were.
Add to the my fatigue and balance issues, and you got yourself a challenge! Which is, I keep reminding myself, the reason I signed up for this ride in the first place.
Sports psychologists tell athletes to visualize the event before starting: visualize moving with speed, dexterity; practice a strong finish. So I'm trying to think about riding over the finish line 205 miles away and I'm seeing myself crying. I hope its in joy, not in pain and/or frustration.
I find myself missing Steve and yet I have decided to channel my considerable anger at him by dedicating every hill and every pain I have to him. This is my dark side, and I have been working on accepting it and moving on. He is a heavy burden to carry and yet I know if I am to move forward, I must leave him. \Thinking, writing and avoiding him all mean I'm still carrying him. I hate that I am doing this. It is not good for me or my ability to attract potential partners. It will happen someday.
Until then I will ride it out on my bike, like the Wicket Witch of the West from the Wizard of Oz. lol
Add to the my fatigue and balance issues, and you got yourself a challenge! Which is, I keep reminding myself, the reason I signed up for this ride in the first place.
Sports psychologists tell athletes to visualize the event before starting: visualize moving with speed, dexterity; practice a strong finish. So I'm trying to think about riding over the finish line 205 miles away and I'm seeing myself crying. I hope its in joy, not in pain and/or frustration.
I find myself missing Steve and yet I have decided to channel my considerable anger at him by dedicating every hill and every pain I have to him. This is my dark side, and I have been working on accepting it and moving on. He is a heavy burden to carry and yet I know if I am to move forward, I must leave him. \Thinking, writing and avoiding him all mean I'm still carrying him. I hate that I am doing this. It is not good for me or my ability to attract potential partners. It will happen someday.
Until then I will ride it out on my bike, like the Wicket Witch of the West from the Wizard of Oz. lol
Sunday, June 3, 2012
The World is Speeding
Seemingly, my world is speeding up at the same time I'm slowing down. I noticed this today as I took a ten mile bike ride. I do my best to avoid traffic, but my bike needed some adjustment and the mechanics shop is on a busy arterial not far from my house. As I was walking my bike across a crosswalk, I made eye contact with the drivers of the two lanes farthest from me. My heart leapt into my throat as one big truck with a young male driver looked as though it would not stop but did at the last minute. He gestured wildly at me. Who knows what his thoughts were?
Yes I dream of a day and a place where life is slower and my body can keep up. I dream of a place where the fish don't care how fast I bait my hook; the water is a brisk refreshment to jump into, and I can take each day as it comes without worrying about how long it will take for my body to just shut down. I also want a companion who understands my battle and helps me to find relative safety in a world that doesn't tolerate differences.
I'm ready.
Yes I dream of a day and a place where life is slower and my body can keep up. I dream of a place where the fish don't care how fast I bait my hook; the water is a brisk refreshment to jump into, and I can take each day as it comes without worrying about how long it will take for my body to just shut down. I also want a companion who understands my battle and helps me to find relative safety in a world that doesn't tolerate differences.
I'm ready.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Friends
Woohoo! After a great, relaxing and wonderful evening with a friend, I came home, recharged, able to accomplish a task that has been hanging over my head for a year now.
Thanks so much for friends :)!!
Thanks so much for friends :)!!
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Is He Happy?
I found this post recently but I believe it was originally published in 2009.
And why should it matter? He is out of my life and it is one-sided, the information flow. I am disclosing, direct, and I see only a few posts, some missing, as though he were afraid of being too open. Is he being watched? I have found a few pictures which tell me something, but not all. He looks happy at his son's wedding but then he should be. It feels as though a year ago was just a dream, remembered in scents and traces of memory. I will never know to the extent I made a difference, if at all. I am not sure what I want from him, if anything. I know I would like to see his artwork again and talk, if possible, but I am certain his guilt and committment won't allow him to. Not to mention what he has been told by his marriage therapist. If I made his marriage better, I guess I can take some satisfaction from that. Still and all, I recall in vague shadows memory of his body and it makes me want to relive those few precious hours. The comfortable way we existed together, totally at home in our skins. The way we fit together as though we were twins in other lifetime. I had no guilt, no mixed feelings, no tugs at my heart, no sense that I was betraying a friend. My affection was clean and abundant, freely given and with no holding back.. This is not usual for me. The trust was never a question, and yet, it should have been. I should have held back some of myself to protect myself, to avoid feeling the fool. I should also have predicted that others would point out my foolishness and that I would necessarily become vilified, the bad/evil woman, in order to protect a marriage and become the common enemy.
This doesnt trouble me. What troubles me is that there are people in the world, who judge me without knowing me. Who are quick to make assumptions without truly understanding me. And who were indignant in their righteousness and queenly in their entitlement. Not one of us can ever assume that our lives will remain the same, simply because "those things don't happen to ME."
Guess what? They do happen to you, and you, and you, and you cannot predict it or become complacent. Life changes, people evolve, get used to it.
The trip I was wanting was taken and I hope he enjoyed it, but there is a mean little part of me that hopes he thought of me with a pang or two as well. I have nor had no reason to expect otherwise. If my life is difficult, well, I admit I made some choices that made it that way. But it was what my heart directed me to do at the time.
And why should it matter? He is out of my life and it is one-sided, the information flow. I am disclosing, direct, and I see only a few posts, some missing, as though he were afraid of being too open. Is he being watched? I have found a few pictures which tell me something, but not all. He looks happy at his son's wedding but then he should be. It feels as though a year ago was just a dream, remembered in scents and traces of memory. I will never know to the extent I made a difference, if at all. I am not sure what I want from him, if anything. I know I would like to see his artwork again and talk, if possible, but I am certain his guilt and committment won't allow him to. Not to mention what he has been told by his marriage therapist. If I made his marriage better, I guess I can take some satisfaction from that. Still and all, I recall in vague shadows memory of his body and it makes me want to relive those few precious hours. The comfortable way we existed together, totally at home in our skins. The way we fit together as though we were twins in other lifetime. I had no guilt, no mixed feelings, no tugs at my heart, no sense that I was betraying a friend. My affection was clean and abundant, freely given and with no holding back.. This is not usual for me. The trust was never a question, and yet, it should have been. I should have held back some of myself to protect myself, to avoid feeling the fool. I should also have predicted that others would point out my foolishness and that I would necessarily become vilified, the bad/evil woman, in order to protect a marriage and become the common enemy.
This doesnt trouble me. What troubles me is that there are people in the world, who judge me without knowing me. Who are quick to make assumptions without truly understanding me. And who were indignant in their righteousness and queenly in their entitlement. Not one of us can ever assume that our lives will remain the same, simply because "those things don't happen to ME."
Guess what? They do happen to you, and you, and you, and you cannot predict it or become complacent. Life changes, people evolve, get used to it.
The trip I was wanting was taken and I hope he enjoyed it, but there is a mean little part of me that hopes he thought of me with a pang or two as well. I have nor had no reason to expect otherwise. If my life is difficult, well, I admit I made some choices that made it that way. But it was what my heart directed me to do at the time.
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