Damn Damn Damn

I dont know how or when I gained it, but i weigh 25 pounds more today than I did a year ago. I went from never ever needing to watch what I ate, to being aware of everything going into my mouth.

Of course, a year ago, I was quite ill and recovering from brain surgery. I was still in chronic pain because of severe arthritis in my hip; I even walked with a cane! A snazzy blue one, but a cane all the same. If anything, I had to force myself to eat, and had been doing so for YEARS.
So all of my friends told me to gain a bit of weight for my hip surgery in December, 2008.

Well, I gained it. I gained more than a bit, and when I was weighed post surgery, I thought the dr. office scale was weighing high, which they usually do. But then I tried fitting into my clothes I had put in storage last year. OMG, nothing fit. I began noticing my thighs and my butt didnt look so smooth and svelte; that you could no longer see the muscles in my stomach or back or shoulders or arms. In short, I looked like an average 50 some year old.

This was after years of being so thin I could pass for 30, modeling lingerie or nothing at all, flaunting it, showing it off, ever the exhibitionist. One night, I glared at my partner, Steve, who has been feeding me as much as I will eat. He used to make a special nightcap drink with hot cocoa and Baileys or mint Schnapps every night.

"When did I gain this weight??" He was at a loss for words. He has always told me I'm beautiful. It was a no win situation for a man, rather like having to answer the question, "do these jeans make my butt look big?" I had never liked it when women showed self hatred of their bodies, warped by media influence. I understood that a woman's sexuality was more about attitude than physical traits. I used to bolster up my sisters, preaching confidence and sensuality.

But when it came time to find clothes to wear, I came face to face with 25 pounds. I went to try to find pants to fit my rounded thighs, hips, and bum last night, with zero success. Pants are not made for women like me. At least, not how I currently am.

"It is common for patients with DBS to experience weight gain," my neurologist told me. In fact, they are studying it. I do not believe I am eating more, or differently, but I do believe that my body's fight with itself has stopped with the electrical current. This has changed, slowed down my metabolism. All that tremor and dystonia kept me lean.

So now I have to stop cheating. My time has run out on my past habits. If I want my sleek body back, I have to work just like everyone else in the world has to work at it. I cannot play soccer any more, which is a lovely sport because you get in shape just playing it, going for the ball. I cannot run any more, because it will wear out my hip too fast.

I am amused at the irony of regaining control of my life but losing it at the same time.