Worried

So, I am worried I'm not gonna be able to work full time this year, or perhaps, at all. I feel like I don't have the energy or the stamina, the brain power to focus on this job. My apathy is driving me more than anything else, meaning I just dont care.

The few exciting projects I have in mind are in the distant future. I miss my friend so much it aches. I am doing my best to keep him out of my mind but I notice he has been logged in all day and hasnt made contact. His wife has made me a no-no. No surprise. But what if, in the grand scheme of life, she is the no-no and I am the one to love these last few years? Why is it that marriage is the "right way" and I am the "wrong way"? Is it a sin to have an affair? Is it a sin to love? Why does 34 years mean so much more, if in those six months plus four days it felt like we were two halves of the same coin? How do you know if, it feels right, those 34 previous years were with the wrong person?

I do know I dont fall in love easily. I wish I had those four days back, I would double the amount of loving, although i recall never letting him go. We fell asleep entertwined, woke up the same way, naked, our limbs smooth, skin to skin. How I miss him. How abandoned I could let myself feel. He has no idea, since he is married, what abandonment feels like.

My heart is aching, my body weary. My brain is foggy; im out of whack with my neuro stims. After a full hour of dickering yesterday, I'm still not right. And I'm exhausted.

I made plans yesterday, too, to visit a younger woman patient and even show her my breasts and the battery pack revisions. I wonder, since I am becoming a walking, talking model for this procedure, how i might charge. It seems a lot of people are benefitting from my services lately, and are getting a pretty good deal.

i will have more writing to do on my book.