I wonder

I spent the day refinishing my screendoor and it is now hung.  It needs one more coat of paint, or two, a latching mechanism, and it's finished.  It looks as though it was meant to be there. 

I thought long and hard about my Canadian friend, knowing he was celebrating his middle son's wedding.  I was hoping that he was rejoicing and that the ceremony made him glad that he was committed to his own vows.  I wondered if his wife was totally joyful but in her element as mother of the groom.  I was hoping the day was sunny and not too warm; that his wife was happy he stayed, that he was looking forward to seeing and reconnecting with his sons and extended family. 

Then I began to wonder if he thought about me; if he regretted meeting me, breaking his marriage vows. and if he was glad to be "back in the fold."  I thought about "soul mates" and how strange it was to meet someone who was so like me, it was like meeting the other half of my gold coin.  I thought how impractical it would have been to be coupled with another person with Parkinson's and really how unfair life was.  Then I wondered about destiny.  The Jews believe we make our own destiny and that there is no such thing as pre-ordained events.  I am not sure what I believe, any more.

Then I considered my regret over getting him involved with me.  How our pain was not worth the time we spent together, joyful as it was.  I had wished I had spared him what I knew would be the certain outcome, and the concommitant issues that would last within his marriage. 

I hoped he thought of me in passing, but that he was certain of his course in life.  I am not at all certain about mine; it is too scary to look 3-5 years into my future; it's unpredictable, anyway.

And I hoped his wife wasn't too smug about how he stayed. She will never know how I intervened to keep him there.