it's ok

can i take some credit for moving his marriage forward, for the two of them finding each other again?  If so, then I can rest at peace knowing that I made a difference and no one bears ill will toward me.  It's not that I felt I took some other woman's husband away, for I know as well as their counselor that if he were being filled up by their marriage that he would not have been vulnerable, would not have been open to me.  So after twenty some years of marriage, she finally got a clue.  Hooray!  No, it's more regret over getting him involved in something that would forever alter his sense of peace. 

I rarely go on the PD site we met on.  I hang out with some older men who like me, have PD, but unlike me, have retired and moved on to other things.  Their wives still work at least parttime but they do not have the incessant financial worry that I carry around with me.  I like hanging with them because they are interesting, and do interesting things, and because I am relaxed and be myself around them without them watching me.  Pete is a professor emeritus from Loyola, a writer, and has connections in the publishing world.  He has critiqued my book, deeply, and I am starting anew.  He also is a great problem solver and very handy with tools and a truck. Rich has all kinds of interesting contraptions in his yard and likes to tinker with motors.  I am sure i can use his expertise with my scooter both in erasing the scrapes and in fixing the oil gasket  (for the umpteenth time).  If I am not content then it seems I am close enough. 

I sat with my lawyer, Brenda today and we just chatted.  Billable hours??  Her paralegal quit because she chastised him for going over the line with me by calling my sister.  He had also told  me to seek other friends for help who were lawyers.  Of course I did, and was told to drop Brenda.  I told the third lawyers,finally, that I was just gonna play it cool, wait til Brenda was reinstated to the bar; that I didnt have the energy to tell my story all over again.  She asked me if I was the kind of woman who needed a man?  That Steve seemed to be just a companion, that I was not in love with him, and he needed to be a caretaker.  Very Astute.  I told her i was NOT in love with him, but I needed a caretaker.  She agreed.  She then said as I feel, that love is not all its cracked up to be, that the last times I was in love it didnt turn out so well. 

So what to do?  Brenda agrees with me that it would be foolish to give him up now.  I need a caretaker.  I am stronger, and more robust than I have been in years, but this will change.  I just crave that feeling of total love.  Not just affection, companionship, but raw lust. 

I took my scooter out of my garage, rode it downtown, got looks as usual, then brought it home to wash and wax it and shine it all up.  I can tell I am stronger cuz i can wrestle the machine around if I have to.  I love it so and hope I dont have to sell it. 

Its a sweeeeet ride!