of faith for me, a constant letting go of this side and jumping across the chasm, hoping I will catch the other edge. Is it like this for everyone, or am I just too unyielding in my headlong rush to live honestly?
I could make it so much easier if I didn't have to think or question everything! I am feeling sad and alone tonight but there is also some relief. I told Steve tonight that I released him from his offer to help me refinance my home, to make me a "life partner' in order to be covered under his company's health insurance plan. I have seen enough of the future in the faces of people with more advanced stages of PD and it isnt at all pretty. I would not want to be a caregiver to someone like me. He thanked me, and actually looked relieved. How the heck I will manage my future is hard to know. But he too admitted he was not in love with me (he fell out of it when I came home from a convention over a year ago and admitted I was involved with another man) and I think it has no way back. That is ok; I have to be honest and admit I do not see my future with him. What this means tomorrow, I have no idea, and how I will be able to live, I do not know either.
So, my heart is heavy but relieved. I pray I catch the other side, soon.
