I have been stuck in a morass of swirling quicksand this summer. The day I patiently awaited, May 21, my former roommate, Steve, moved out. We had decided over a beer in April that he seemed miserable with my oldest daughter and her puppy around. I declined his offer to help me pay my mortgage off with a surprise cache of money his mother provided after her death, knowing that we did not have a secure enough future for me to want to cosign a legal document. I knew that he was unhappy living in my house, and although I relied on him to help my life in many ways, it was no longer enough to be loved. I had to have the feelings in return, and I did not love nor respect him enough to make a viable future.
Knowing all this was not the same as experiencing it, however. When Steve moved out May 21, Emily moved back in the same day for the entire summer. Her schedule was not predictable so my dating and entertaining others was impacted enough to cause frustration, so I decided to stop dating. I saw it as "cloistering myself and taking vows of chastity and purity"~ a joke to those who know me. Steve, meanwhile, took off like a hound on a raccoon scent. He would openly flirt in front of me, hurting me and causing me to question him more than once. He continued his openly audacious ways, and would cancel appointments with me to have sexual contact with women in an aggressively dominant way. I was mystified by his apparent anger. But he dodged my questions and made it clear none of it was my business. I was angry and hurt, myself, and felt that he used me during the time he lived here.
Until today, when, after having a conversation with me, he indicated that he had NEVER felt appreciated during the entire time he lived here. I recalled that I had questioned his part in my life, trying to break up with him before my first surgery, and feeling as though he took advantage by moving into my townhouse without an invitation during a time I felt very weak and vulnerable.
That same man has fallen for a Jewish woman in the last two weeks, and replaced me with her in his will today. This is fine, but today I also got a peek, finally, at the degree of anger and hostility he had been harboring all of these years. He claimed it was because of his degree of responsibility without authority (especially over Emily) but I was shocked at how dishonest his life had been. I knew we were not in love, and I was settling, but I had no idea that he had been so angry about it. He is in a better place, I can say that I am happy he is happy, but it has been a difficult thing to do, let go of his caring. It has also been hard to see him leapfrogging from my life to a better life in a condo on Mercer Island, but he gives credit and gratitude to God and his Mom. I reminded him today of my part in it, how I had to push him out of the nest to fly away. I know for my own mental health that I need to let go, yet my fear and ego have made this difficult.
It doesnt help that I am falling further into debt and struggling to make ends meet. Yet I see the sadness in my youngest daughter's face because she truly misses him. I miss him too, in different ways, and wish he had been able to have honestly discussed his feelings with me. I regret not appreciating him more. He helped me through some hard times, and I am sad he feels so resentful about this, yet I myself resent his current success. He got what I've been waiting for since leaving my marriage, and have yet to find.
God let me have the strength to realize this, let him go, and move on. Some new medications to deal with my depression should help. I pray above all that God sends me an angel and to recognize him when he arrives in my life. Until then, I will write, spend time in my garden, ride my bike, hang out with PD friends, and get some of my paperwork done. I pray to God to help me find peace, and to thank him/her for the joy he brought Steve. I pray for balance and understanding, patience and willingness to get up time and time again.
