Every night for the past several months I fall asleep in prayer. Mostly I begin by thanking God my girls are safe, and continue to be happy. As I fall asleep, however, I pray for his wisdom and guidance in the direction I've chosen. I fall asleep curled around a pillow and ask God to please, please, not send me any more tests of faith. I pray to forgive myself, forgive others, and pray for the ability to recognize my best friend when he comes along. And this time, there will be no doubting his agenda or sincerity because he will be a good, honest man.
This Mother's Day morning, I woke up feeling a pervasive sense of fear. The fear of ~being unloveable. This seemed a momentous realization. I fear dying without a best friend more than I fear death itself. I miss having someone who cares about me; looks forward to plans with me; asks me about my day and loves to just hang out with me. I miss someone I can comfort, listen to, and hold.
I miss the normal give-and-take of an adult relationship where neither one feels the need to be deceitful because we are loved for who we are. I miss the even power exchange between two like minded people where there is no need to be strong and parental. Of course it would be terrific to be "in love" but I think this can disguise lots of issues. I'd much rather choose with my head and heart than with my body and soul. I wonder if the lessons of the past ten years will serve me well, or the lessons learned so harsh, that when the time comes, I will know.
I'm now well aware of the addictive properties of love and desire. I think often about the types of relationships I've attracted. I know to avoid certain types of people, and to respect that intuitive voice. I know I have been involved with great men. They just were not so great for me.
I know I can attract men, and it's not arrogant to say so. However, I wish to attract men who see me as more than a good time passport and will stick around even as friends. I miss friends the very most.
Finding good relationships with good people keeps my hope alive.Working on loving myself will inspire love in others.
