and I know when I do I will pay for it tomorrow. Up at 6, out the door at 7, greeting students at 7:45, managing my PD, toiling over files and paperwork, eat little at lunch, stop at post office to send off my latest ebay auction, drive to the soccer field to watch my youngest play a full game, drive her back through traffic, stop to buy her school supplies and home to a dinner I am too tired to eat. I try to pace myself, but when there are after school demands on my time, I am wiped out. I HATE this feeling of fatigue and mostly, I HATE feeling GRUMPY. Short tempered, foggy brain, can't even do simple math calculations, can't make decisions, and still have to do personal work like file paperwork claim forms at night. I am impatient with people I care about, and I hate this about myself. I don't even like to cuddle, and have been sleeping alone for the past few nights. It's like boot camp, and yet, I feel like I've stepped up my game and this part feels great. But at what cost??
However, the good news is, after 25 minutes, the plumber fixed the leak that my roommate made when he replaced the toilet, snapped the CPVC pipe when trying to replace the supply line, and flooding the bathroom cuz he forgot to turn off the shut off valve. oops! Big ole mistake, and for six days I waited while he tried glue and compound and stuff to fix the leak. Finally, out of impatiently being without water for six days, I stepped in, took charge, and called a plumber, referred by my ex, to come in. Now, that plumber would have charged the same amount for installing a toilet that I paid him for fixing the leaky pipe!! And without the damage to the wallboard, etc, and lack of water for six days. I was fuming, and even more aware of my sense of alienation and frustration with Steve. If my ex can look better than my so-called future husband, you know it's gotta be bad!! This is just WRONG!!. It also made me realize that with my resources, why do I fear being alone? Do I really need a man in my life? Julia thinks so; she thinks I flipped out the last time I was alone and had to go to rehab. Funny, her perspective. That wasn't at all true; there were men in my life then who were my lovers (Andy) although he was looking to get out, and I never went to rehab, just to rest and get well at a friends house out of Seattle. Part of that was to get away from the incessant demands of my kids and my ex. I am still very active in their lives, and my youngest is just beginning the transition to high school. Imagine how much easier this disease would be for me to manage if I werent also working full time AND actively parenting. Neither can give way; it's all a compromise, and a push to get to the end of the day. My daughter wants a ride to and from school, which bookends my own workday which I don't like, but until she works out another arrangement, this is how it will be. (Her dad drives her to school and doesnt really want her walking or taking the city bus. He MANAGES two Metro bus bases; surely he stands behind his services! ) So she relies on his car, which is the easy thing to do until she gets to my house and asks for the same treatment. I will drive her this week I said, but my work day starts earlier than hers and I cant always be late.
So then she wants Steve to drive her, which he is ingratiatingly happy to do, but it just continues to give the message that I need him, I rely on him for help with my kids. This is a message I am trying to move away from!!
I am going to bed, too grumpy for my shirt. :)
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