I left work at the same time the students left yesterday, and thought I could sneak out undetected until I heard three of the staff merrily wish me "Have a Good Weekend" as I left through the West Gate, one of them the VP. I wearily drove home, then collapsed and got up to pick my daughter up from soccer practice. She was later than she expected, and while she was playing a possession game I listened to NPR on the radio. I am a closet NPR junkie, and one of the local stories was about the new city raising of limits for on premise possession of chickens, from 3 to 8. I listened, laughing in glee when one carpenter told of how he now had a wait list for chicken coops built on even the nicest of properties in some of the wealthiest neighborhoods, the personal story of a woman who owned two chickens and delighted when, after laying one egg, she realized that one egg had cost her 200.00, and the humor of the whole story. People are raising chickens by hand to give them a sense of power and control, when in fact, they make pets of their chickens and are proud of them when they do what they were born to do. It becomes not about the product, but the process.
Ah, the process. As I laughed, I felt less tired. I realized that I love my job, my passion about my students, and I dont want to lose this. I feel like I was born to do this work, its a gift, and I'm good at it. I saw a former student in the hallway yesterday, surprised him, and as he saw me, he hugged me hard and shouted, you're here!! If allowed to feel competent, and in a supportive, nurturing environment, with plenty of time, I can do it. This, then becomes my focus, as I can NOT be all things to all people all the time. I can help my daughter reduce her demands by helping and encouraging her dependence on my driving her.
Today I helped her decide not to try to play in both her teams games (she is now on a traveling team and her own high school JV team) and this would have required us to be in the car driving for three hours. I did not want to be spending all day in the car. So I called her coach and he excused her, quickly, from the 1:00 game. She too, has bitten off more than she can chew, and she will tire too quickly if she plays too much. We had already been released from the double commitments, and she was simply taking advantage of this. She will learn my limits, as well as reasonably manage her own. It was a great decision. Her dad is out of town, and it was made without his interference. I believe she will learn from this, as we all will. I will learn to say no, as she will, too.
And as far as Steve goes, I will be patient about the time. He left me alone last night, and Julia and I watched Glee together in her bed. I felt much less tired at bedtime than I had hours before. He supports me in ways I cant begin to count, and if he didnt' feel he wanted all or none of me, it would be perfect. I won't corner him by making him choose at this point. It is good enough.
I meet with my doctor this week to hammer out a letter requesting accommodations, and I think I know what to ask for. At this assignment, with no new students, I can handle it. I will put a schedule together that allows me plenty of breaks to pace myself, and I will ask for a quiet place to rest, undisturbed, if necessary. I dont need voice to text software, or extra clerical support, if I have time to think and organize. My typing is fine when my PD is under control, if I keep my life in balance. I find I stumble for words, and at times, stutter, but this makes me even more empathetic for my students.
I know I cannot do it all, but I have work to do in getting help in teaching others that my limitations are not my weaknesses.
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