Warning!! Do not read this blog entry if you want an upper today!!
Well what can I say. I have been struggling, a lot lately, with relationships, especially the ones with the men in my life. I do not know why the men I become involved with turn out to be dogs, in the end. Was it a special training I did, or was it intrinsically there all along? And every new man has a new game. I thought I was becoming less gullible, but I still find myself caught, blindsided. Ugh. It feels like a punch in the solar plexus.
Recently? My former roommate left so quickly he never came back to finish the many jobs left to do. He followed the scent of fresh woman/women and hasn't looked back. I am on a dating site, and have met maybe a dozen men. Most of them have been pretty unexciting, except for one. He was a widower, a full time dad to four kids at home, and I swallowed his bait hook, line, and sinker. OOPs I was fooled by his sincerity but the bottom line is, he hasnt returned and never will. Yesterday was a new lowpoint. My 2:30 date to meet at the art museum never showed (he had left an email at 1 which i discovered later) and I was commisserating with another man via text messaging. That man invited me out for a 'cocktail' that evening, but when I showed up at the appointed place, he didnt show either. He texted me several minutes later that he had been dealing with a car window, but he had been yanking my chain all evening and I had had enough.
So I fell asleep with this in my brain, praying myself to sleep that when I woke up this morning I would be free of the negative associations with men. I don't want to be the kind of woman who trashes men. I don't want to lose my enjoyment and appreciation of others, to become flat and bitter. So what do I do with this newest round of experiences? How do I keep fresh, unspoiled, unjaded?
I have been telling new men who express interest in me that I'm cloistered in a convent and have taken a vow of chastity. I realize daily how tiring this whole experience of putting myself out there is. Yet I feel the shadow of PD looming and I am not content with the idea of living alone for the rest of my life. My oldest is here until mid August and I am conscious of her watching every move I make. My youngest is feeling the stress. I just am hanging on day by day.
I have a friend with Parkinson's who says he prays for me daily. I'm not sure this is making a difference in a good way. He says its all God's plan for me and I have to "let Go, let God". Well the old way wasnt working, maybe this will.
I think I will pull back for a while.
